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What's In These Pills, Doc?
Posted: Sunday, June 6, 2010 by LePhilozophe in Labels: dvd, film, Hollywood, influenza, kikuyu grass lawn, nuclear fall out, Piracity, The Sum of All Fears
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So, like, i'm sick.Not mind-in-the-gutter sick (however hard those who think they know me personally will try and have you believe) but bed-ridden-throat-feels-like-people've-been-putting-their-cigars-and-cigarettes-out-in-it-i-feel-cold-oh-so-cold-can-somebody-hold-my-hand-i-see-dead-wombats-i'm-so- gonna-sue-that-so-called-doctor-for-mixing-up-my-meds-with-those-meant-for-the- zoo sick. Yes, it looks (and certainly darned well feels) like i'm currently under seige; an attack from the insurgents of the armed wing of the Orthomyxoviradae Party of the RNA virus clan, otherwise known as the Influenza Movement for Autocracy (dude, don't ever say you don't get edjumacated from reading this here blog). It's a serious attack and these guys brought all their heavy artillery. Diplomacy's long gone out the window and they mean business. There'll be casualties here yet.
So yeah, i'm on a strict overdose diet of Flumel, Cal-C-Vita, Halls, Strepsils, Vicks VapoRub and an anonymous, raggety box of oversized pills i found at the bottom of the "sick box" that look like the stuff you'd take in order to survive a nuclear fallout (there's a partly faded set of numbers printed on the back that ends with "97".Not too sure if that's the manufacture batch number or the...?...nah...couldn't be the "best before" date...could it?? Regardless, they've proven effective in knocking me out a couple of times, but not before sending me swinging from the chandeliers in total, unencumbered bliss and euphoria).
There's only one thing this miserable marriage of circumstances (bed ridden and fighting for dear life) is really ever any good for, and that's the chance afforded to abuse your extensive dvd movie collection. And a monstrously impressive collection- if you'll allow me the plaisir of a moment on the soapbox to indeed declare- dear earth folk, is what i most certainly have. My collection spans genres and eras any self-respecting movie buff would weep tears of unabashed joy for and tip their hat at in respect and sheer incredulity. I can sit here and confidently state that as we speak, i own 10% of Hanks's new Porsche, 15% of De Niro's condo at Martha's Vineyard and also have a hand in funding the relaying of Gibson's inch-perfect kikuyu grass lawn this summer.
In truth, the reality reads more like: 50% of Lú's kids' annual tuition, 70% of Chiang's debts to the loan sharks who've threatened to hold his family as collateral and 85% of the expansion costs to Xiao's cramped two-roomer, so he and his big family can get a feel of what it's like to live like human beings for the first time in their lives. Ofcourse, my extensive movie collection never began as a humanitarian gesture towards anyone by any means, (and neither is it now to tell the truth), but rather from my megalomaniacal hunger, birthed out of my love for the medium.
A brief digressive lesson. It began as a Tale of Two Cities: Hollywood and Piracity, dealers in trade of one of the most sought-after and powerful drugs in the world: Audio/Visual Entertainment. Hollywood had ruled the roost for years in terms of supply. No problem with the demand, that was always going to be there, right?; the miserable junkies were continually (and increasingly) hungry for more of whatever was churned out. That meant Hollywood could do what it wanted with the price of its stock, and exploit that advantage it did. Of course, Piracity looked to get in on the big money and get a cut of the sweet and profitable pie. It saw its chance when it tuned in to the fact that the junkies weren't as loyal to the pure nature of the drug as was previously perceived. Piracity discovered that the junkies would settle for a lower quality replica product if it was offered at a lower price. Hollywood's exploitation had had its toll. It'd turned a large majority of its market away and towards its sworn enemies. End of lesson.
Hollywood has lost out big time. US$ 244 million a year's worth of big time. It's a shame really, because the solution's so stupidly simple. i'd honestly prefer to buy the original higher quality product (and boot loads of it too) if it were at a competitive price to what the Piracity product is offered. The gap in prices couldn't be more stark. For the cost of one Hollywood product, i can get 24 of Piracity's. It does, however, mean risking quality issues that range between the near-perfect, to having a man-shaped silhouette hobble across the screen mid-movie and also having dvd blurbs that read like the following example, found on the back of a Piracity copy of The Sum of All Fears:
...If the Earth would be exterminated, you have to use the remaining time? The United states a keen astronomy students in Europe inadvertently discovered a new comet, did not expecthuge comet Earth billowed into North Korea has come in one year would hit the planet, human destiny is at stake. In order to avoid mass hysteria, the U.S. military blockade of this news, but after all the media expose, then United States President Baker (Morgan Freeman) to plan a dangerous space mission, from experienced astronauts 'small fish' (Laoboduwa) leader in an attempt to detonate...
Well, you get my drift. So Hollywood, there you have it. You've heard our call, it's up to you to heed it. But until you do, Piracity's going to be a way more popular destination to visit. Horrendously misspelt road signs and all.
**DISCLAIMER- Like, dude, what's going on? i took one of those nuclear fallout pills mid-blog and got knocked out by a Muhammad Ali-esque haymaker. Next thing i wake up to find this random, anonymous dude sprinting out my house, my blog finished and published and helicopters hovering outside with bullhorns blaring something about getting on the floor with my hands on my head and that it's the FBI?? This had better be a nightmare... or a really, really bad movie.
